What Am I?

When talk turns to religion and I'm asked what exactly I am, in all honesty, I haven't a clue how to answer. I can say I'm a witch, because I am. I write and cast spells, I work with oils and brews and herbal mixtures. I dabble in the metaphysical every day. I cast a circle and work within it. But my Native American ancestors also cast circles and used medicine wheels as tools of their faith and I use the circle in that manner too. I am a practicing pagan who honors and follows the rhythms of the earth as she spins through her calendar year. I live by the stars and the ever-changing moon. I also spent more than ten years of my life seriously studying Buddhism and today in my rituals and my daily life I try to continue to practice the teachings of The Four Noble Truths even though I would not consider myself a proper Buddhist. I meditate, I follow an ayurvedic diet and have dabbled in Hindu beliefs as well. Do I believe in God? Yes, but not in the way a Christian or Jew might. I used to attend a Buddhist Temple, but I haven't been inside an actual church in more years than I can count. So what exactly am I? Does my rather extensive patchwork of beliefs and practices go beyond even what an eclectic follower would term eclectic? Most likely. Some days I think my crazy spiritual smorgasbord is pretty cool and others I feel utterly schizophrenic.

This is the time of year when so many people ask what my plans are for the holidays and wish me a Merry Christmas. And I readily wish them one back as it's easier than explaining that I don't celebrate Christmas, but rather Yule. But then there are those people who like to question things a bit more deeply. When I say I'm not a Christian, they ask me if I'm Jewish, and try to wish me a Happy Hanukah, but I have to politely say that I'm not Jewish either. And that's where it gets tricky. No one wants to stand there and hear a long drawn out, ridiculous-sounding explanation of what I am, or what I'm not. Trying to tell them I'm a wildly eccentric mix of multiple belief systems only elicits even more questions and more than a few odd- and frequently uncomfortable- looks. I'm not interested in hiding what I am, nor in being clever in how I explain myself, but I do wish I had a quick and simple answer to the question of what I am. But since I have yet to figure out the answer to this question for myself, how on earth am I supposed to explain it to someone else?

Photo courtesy of PictureOnTheWall/Nicholas McCollum.

Pagans

Having last month accepted a very large commission for four portraits, I've had very little time for much else, blogging included, but I did manage to spend a few brief hours with friends over last week's holiday: good friends and some fairly newer acquaintances, one of whom turned out to be a practicing witch and pagan (and here I thought I'd be the only one in the room that evening). For the life of me I cannot remember how the conversation over dessert turned to the subject of hymns, but indeed it did, and from there it was a quick hopscotch to paganism. With her husband an Episcopalian, this lovely lady stated how truly beautiful the hymns are in his church, which prompted me to remark on how horrible they are in the faith in which I was raised: Lutheranism (or as I like to call it "Catholic Lite"). There has never been more plodding, heavy, dire, nor depressing music ever composed. If you're looking for a soundtrack by which to commit suicide, the Lutheran Hymnal is the book you want. My new friend laughed loudly and said, "Try growing up Jewish." And this got me thinking.

Though we come from many faiths and backgrounds, is there a common thread that draws people to a life of paganism? True, some are lucky enough to have been raised by multi-generational pagan families, but in today's world, most of us come from a place far, far removed from witchcraft, wicca or paganism. For myself, having always been drawn to the rituals and spirituality of my Native American ancestors despite my rather conservative upbringing, it wasn't a giant departure from my inner beliefs to openly practicing the earth faith I have embraced for many, many years. Still, there is something to be said for the pagan path vs the more conventional spiritual paths society (and family) has to offer.

Paganism as a general rule comes with little or no guilt and certainly with no all-powerful body of (usually) megalomaniacal, egocentric men telling us what we can and cannot do, what is right, what is wrong, what is acceptable and what is most certainly not. The freedom of paganism is not only a beautiful thing in and of itself, but it also allows the follower of this faith to make their own choices when it comes to good vs evil. And most of the gentle folk who call themselves pagans make these choices wisely, far more so than someone who thinks they can make last minute amends for their wrongdoings on their deathbeds. While not all of us follow the path of wisdom in this faith, I find that the majority of us do.

If you took away from me the endless circles I've cast, the powerful spells I've written, the library of books I've amassed, you won't have hurt me in any way because those are not where my spirituality lies. Those are mere adjuncts to a pagan and witchy life well-lived. If all that were gone today, I'd be left with what really matters to me: the four elements, the sun and the moon (especially the moon), the earth including her rocks, trees and herbs, the magnificent ocean, animals, and the gentle touch of the Divine; the Great Spirit in all I do. These are why I left the mind-numbing drudgery that was the faith of my youth and embraced wholeheartedly my free-spirited and compassionate pagan self.

"Beeches and Bluebells" courtesy of the always-brilliant Giles C. Watson.

Eclectic Spirituality

I've been giving some thought to the idea of eclectic spirituality and the fact that I have been for decades picking and choosing from the world's various belief systems that which I personally identify with and that feed my soul. In doing so I have tailor-made a spirituality that suits me to a tee, yet is constantly shifting a tiny bit in this or that direction as who I am changes through the years. I'm a pagan, a witch, and a woman who spent a full decade of her life studying Buddhism and who incorporates many of the Buddha's teachings into her present philosophy. I am a follower of ayurveda and a practitioner of yoga. As a direct descendant of a full-blooded Native American woman, I engage in many tribal rituals and honor Mother Earth every single day. And while it's well in the back of my mind these days, I also still carry with me the biblical theories pummeled into my brain during confirmation classes, growing up as a little girl in the stuffy and unpleasantly straight-laced Lutheran Church. I believe in the God and the Goddess, I believe in Mother Earth and the four elements. I honor and live by the years, the seasons, the days, the hours. I honor the moon. I believe in magick and intuition and divination. I am a very spiritual person, which (in my opinion, at any rate) is a very different thing from a religious person. A religious person I am not and never have been.

And the funny thing is, I would have thought that this movement towards the eclectic really began in the 60s when so many people were searching for something deeper, something more mystical than everyday life (and quite a bit of drugs) provided. I'm not so naive to think that there was no dabbling into other faiths and beliefs prior to that period, but it feels like that decade is when spiritual momentum shifted into high gear. The term "new age" (which I hate, by the way) was coined in the 80s to describe that decade's movement into the eclectic and many scholars still treat the 80s as though that period was the first real movement towards something broader than a single-based faith. Unfortunately though, that tag brings with it a whole lot of mental images best left back in the 80s, never to be seen or heard from again. And even today, the term "new age" is used rather derisively by most people, both in and out of the mainstream.

But surprisingly, following an eclectic path spiritually dates back to ancient Greece. The word eclectic comes from the Greek word eklektikos which means "selective, or the act of picking out." One of the first to ever take from the world's existing religions and philosophies and blend them into a truly personal spirituality was Ammonius Saccas, a philosopher who left no writings of his own but was referred to by many other Greek philosophers in theirs, namely Plotinus and Porphyry. Ultimately, Saccas wanted to fuse all religions together into one that honored the Divine Being who made everything possible, as all faiths ultimately originate from this same source, and by returning to it one could end a lot of hatred. His studies gave rise to the term "eclectic" and although his beliefs were accepted by many, ultimately he was driven out of his homeland and silenced by the early Christians.

And despite a couple of millennia passing, life doesn't change all that much does it? And regardless of what others think of me, or my belief system, I'm going to continue on the path laid before me. It feels right in my heart and soul and ultimately, that's the only thing that truly matters. It's taken a lifetime of searching for me to feel as peaceful as I feel today and that's a beautiful thing. Happiness and sorrow are both fleeting, but being able to find peace in who you are and what you adhere to is the perfect foundation on which to build everything else. Go where your heart leads you and fear nothing.