Sunday, April 26, 2009

Reincarnation Dilemma

When I was just shy of two years old, I wandered out of my playroom with a long dark brown colored pencil in my hand and sought out my mother. I then put the pencil in my mouth, took an imaginary puff from my “long black cigarette” and told my mother that before I had died and been reborn I used to smoke these. Naturally, my mother freaked out. She called my aunt and by the time my aunt had arrived at our house, I was no longer talking about my past life. Some people believe in reincarnation and others think it’s a big load of bunk, but just about everyone has a strong opinion about it. Not surprisingly, I personally believe very strongly in it. I only wish that I were still able to conjure up memories of my past life (or lives), but unfortunately for most people, that ability fades away very quickly the longer we remain on this earthly plane, and usually while we are still quite young.

My father passed away in 1980 when I was 16 years old and not a day has gone by that I haven’t missed him more than I could ever express in words. Through these many years I’ve had a great many visitations from him in my dreams. How do I know these were visitation dreams and not just ordinary dreams? Visitation dreams are incredibly vivid in every last detail and stay with you forever, as rich years later as they were the moment you first woke from them. Every single detail of my father’s visitations remain in my mind in super sharp focus, as opposed to just dreams about my father, the particulars of which all faded within hours of my waking. I hold the visitation dreams dearly in my heart, every last one of them.

Back in 2003, I had a very vivid and uncomfortably intense visitation dream from my father and was certain that the purpose of it was for him to say goodbye to me once again as he was preparing to reincarnate. I’ve held on to that dream in my heart and in my mind for six years now and only recently spent some time discussing it with a shaman who agrees with me that it was in fact a reincarnation dream as he was coming back to this plane in another form and he needed to say his final goodbye to me. I have had some very conflicted feelings since I first had the dream and they’ve only intensified since talking with the shaman. While I am happy that my father has moved on to the next stage of his soul’s journey, I can’t help but feel lost and abandoned all over again. I know it’s selfish of me to wish he were still watching over me, but it’s nothing if not completely honest. After all, I have lived my life for the last 29 years believing that when it’s my time to die, my father will be there (wherever “there” is) waiting for me and it’s the belief that I will see him once again that has kept me unafraid of death for nearly three decades and honestly looking forward to that time when I will be with him once more. But if he’s not there anymore because he’s back here as someone I don’t know, what will happen when I die? And when I go there, will I then be alone there too? My talk with the shaman has shattered my personal belief system and I’m now no longer sure what to think or how to feel.

This is one of the dilemmas we face with reincarnation: at some point we all need or choose to come back and where does that leave our loved ones that we yet again leave behind? It’s something that I have occasionally questioned, but without a great deal of concern until now, when someone I love so much is simply gone. Now really gone. I know when we die and when it’s our turn to return, we don’t fret over what or who we have left behind, but how do those of us who have been left behind handle the knowledge that those we have loved have begun a new life somewhere with no knowledge of us and all we shared anymore in their minds or hearts? Reincarnation, like so many other rites of passage in our lives, clearly contains within it a great deal of pain and conflict.

That’s what my heart is telling me, but my head just thinks that because my dad is gone again and really gone for good now, that this sucks more than anything. And now nothing is the same, nor will it be ever again, and I don't like it at all.


Lisa said...

This may be of come consolation. I hope. My husband remembers many of his lives. He remembers me in those lives. We had different roles with one another when he found me (as I never seem to remember my previous life) and he has lived a few lives without me. We met 12 years ago online and for 10 years he has tried to convince me to marry him, saying that he couldn't bear to go another life without me. Finally, 2 years ago he moved to my state and moved into my apartment (our first physical meeting). There was absolutely no awkwardness. It was as if we had always been together. One year ago we were married during the new moon and the woman who married us said she saw us "filling in the holes in the web."
So, hopefully, your dad hasn't lost knowledge of you and perhaps your wonderful relationship feeds his new life and maybe you will somehow come to know him again in a different form. I hope this is comforting.

Lisa said...

Clarification. First, a typo, I mean "Some" consolation. And I want to add that when he lived some lives without me, he still remembered me but couldn't find me. The first day I spoke with him on the phone, he told me he loved me and quickly apologized. Later, he told me that he had immediately recognized me and that is why he was so quick to tell me.

It's taken some time for me to come to terms with all of this. He has vivid memories that often upset me (of our past lives). I didn't always believe him but I have come to.

He speaks a consistent different language out loud as he sleeps and dreams. The only time he has spoken this while not sleeping was when he was doing a very intense reiki on me and went into a trance-like state. I wept.

Victoria said...

Thank you, this IS comforting. It really shouldn't be so hard for me to get a handle on this, but it is because my heart is so involved!